"Congratulations to Miss North Carolina, Kristen Dalton, who won the Miss USA
pageant last night. So, I guess Republicans now have a VP candidate for 2012." --Jimmy Fallon
“热烈祝贺北卡罗来纳小姐Kristen Dalton，她昨晚赢得了美国小姐的冠军。所以我猜共和党人们现在有了一个2012年副总统的候选人。” ——吉米·法伦
"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
“迪克·切尼和卡尔·罗夫，曾经是这个国家最有权势的两个人，现在得了老年痴呆。为什么我以前没注意到呢？老年痴呆是一种很严重的疾病，会攻击人的记忆力并让病人胡说八道为了他们有所建树的东西来攻击别人，这种病目前来说还不能治愈。”——乔·斯图尔特
看视频：（视频引自国外网站所以会有点慢哈）
"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno
“巴拉克·奥巴马总统昨天告诉他的内阁成员说要确保每一位纳税人的每一块钱都要花到正地方上。但尴尬的是他不得不对内阁成员解释纳税人是什么。”——杰·雷诺。
"Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour, friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to Nascar trivia." --Jimmy Fallon
“比尔·克林顿和乔治·W.布什将在多伦多同台进行一场两小时的友好辩论。双方都需要选择一个话题，所以第一个小时应该会集中在国际银行危机上，第二个小时将会贡献给Nascar挑战赛车。”——吉米·法伦
"Classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times. When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, 'I know this is just horse play'? But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden." --David Letterman
“最近解密的一批档案显示迪克·切尼，就是几年前突然发疯开枪打了一个人的那家伙，曾命令哈立德·谢赫·穆罕默德（小猪注：基地组织的军师）坐了183次水凳。你们觉得穆罕默德是在什么时候被抓到说‘我知道这只是小把戏’的呢？不过不管怎么说，他们给穆罕默德坐了183次水凳，幸亏有这个家伙给出的信息，通过水凳，我们才成功地抓住了本·拉登。”——大卫·莱特曼
"Rod Blagojevich, the indicted former governor of Illinois, lost his bid to travel to Costa Rica to appear on the NBC reality show, 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' You know what reality show he could be on? 'Cops.'" --Jay Leno
“罗德·布拉戈耶维奇，这位被控告的伊利诺斯州前州长，失去了去哥斯达黎加出席一个NBC真人秀的机会，‘我是个名人，让我离开这儿！’你们知道他应该上什么真人秀吗？《警察》”——杰·雷诺
"Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign country on our southern border speaking a language we don't understand? Come on! Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, 'Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'" --Jay Leno
“德克萨斯的州长瑞克·派瑞曾说只要德克萨斯州想要脱离联邦就应该可以这么做。这是我们需要的吗？在南部边境的又出来一个国家，说着我们听不懂的话？拜托！前总统布什根本没浪费时间马上就做出了回应。他说，‘哇哦，那是不是说我又要当总统啦？’”——杰·雷诺
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas." --Jay Leno
“国务卿希拉里·克林顿说，美国已经做好了和古巴会谈的准备。你们知道这是什么意思吗？很明显，我们已经在面试德克萨斯的替代品了。”——杰·雷诺
"So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It's pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News." --Jay Leno
“全国有很多报社都关门了，这很可怕，所以让我们祝贺纽约时代报吧，他们本周拿了五个普利策奖。我是上网在google新闻上看到这条消息的。”——杰·雷诺
"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno
“在纽约邮报的一次访谈中，鲁迪·朱利安尼说他反对同性婚姻。他觉得婚姻应该发生在一个男人、一个女人、另一个女人，以及在那之后他遇到的另一个女人之间。”——杰·雷诺
"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno
“嘿，我觉得这个主意不错，为了庆祝地球日，找一群华盛顿的小学生，每人在乔·拜登头上种一撮头发。”——杰·雷诺
最近没太关心美国政治，有点搞不清楚为啥雷诺同学喜欢拿乔·拜登开涮……