New Discovery
A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.
Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"
新发现
一个乡下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走进一座大楼，看见一个岁数很大的矮胖女人迈进一个小房间。房间的门随后关上，有几个灯在闪亮。一会儿，门开了，电梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。
乡下人惊奇地眨着眼睛，慢吞吞地说：“我应该把我的老婆带来!”
Prepare Yourself
A story around campus has it that a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."
Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."
己做好准备
校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈－我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。”
两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!”
Part-time Job
When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.
"How was your first day?" I asked.
"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."
Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"
"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"
业余工作
我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。
“第一天感觉如何？”我问。
|“好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。”
由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？”
“你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？
Difference
"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."
区 别
“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”
keep the change
One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could "buy" a cone from me for a hug. Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases. The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs. "Keep the changes," he said with a smile.
不用找了
有一天天气闷热，我将冰淇淋舀进锥筒，告诉我的四个小孩，他们可以从我这里用拥抱“购买”一筒。于是，孩子们马上排起了队来购买。较小的三个孩子每人很快的抱了我一下，抓过冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后轮到排在队尾十年的大儿子来“买”冰淇淋时，他拥抱了我二下。“不用找了，”他笑着说。
Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."
Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
睡前祷告词
朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”
妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？”
朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。”
That's Why
Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money."
Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.
"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"
One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"
"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high."
原来如此
吉米三岁开始画画，五岁时已经画得很好了。他画了很多美丽而有趣的画，人们出高价购买。他们说，“这个孩子长大一点肯定会出名，我们可以靠这些画大赚一笔。”
吉米的画与众不同。因为他从来不在整张纸上作画。他只画一半的纸，而另一半他总空着。
“构思多么巧妙啊!”大家都说，“从来没有人这么做过。”
有一天，一个人买了吉米的画，然后问他：“请告诉我，吉米，你为什么总是在纸的下半部分画画，而不是在纸的上半部分？”
吉米说，“因为我个头小，够不着上面。”
I'm Glad
A Sunday-school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," she said, "has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?"
"Please, teacher," said a small boy, "I've make someone glad yesterday."
Well done. Who was that!"
"My granny."
"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."
"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home.' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"
我很高兴
一个主日学校的教师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“听着，孩子们，”她说，“你们当中有谁曾让别人高兴过吗？”
“我，教师，”一个小男孩说，“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”
“做得好，是谁呢？”
“我奶奶。”
“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的？”
“是这样的，教师。昨天我去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我对她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴。’”
Problem in Arithmetic
Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.
One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.
"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.
"Six for five cents."
"But I don't want six apples."
"How many apples do you want?"
"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic."
"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.
"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."
Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.
一个数学问题
比尔是一个好学生，也是个聪明的孩子。他喜欢学数学，课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。
有一天，在上学路上，比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着：“苹果--五美分六个。”比尔脑筋一转，进了店门。
“苹果怎么卖？”
“五美分六个。”
“但我不想要六个。”
“你想要几个？”
“这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。”
“数学问题？你说这话是什么意思？”
“你看，如果六个苹果五美分，那么五个苹果四美分，四个苹果三美分，三个苹果二美分，二个苹果一美分，一个苹果就不要钱。我只要一个苹果，如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话，那我也就没必要给你钱了。”
比尔拣了一个好苹果，开始吃了起来，然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊地望着这个小男孩，一句话也说不出来
Lucky Mother
A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.
Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"
幸运的母亲
一位年轻的母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。
母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，“露茜，当我象你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。”
露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：“您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗？”
A Baby Sister
Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister, Johnnie?
Johnnie:She's all right, but I wish she had been a boy. Willie Smith had got a new sister, and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him.
妹妹
保育员：约翰尼，你难道不喜欢你的小妹妹吗？
约翰尼：那倒不是。她要是个男孩就好了。威利有了一个新生的小妹妹，现在他该认为我又在学他的样子了。
Imitation
A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."
Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."
模 仿
一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。“来，坐下，吃点点心，”妈妈说，“你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。”
一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。
“你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，”他那聪明的儿子说，“里面装点东西，就会好的。”
Chaude and Cold
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."
"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
热与冷
蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”
“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法语里代表‘热’。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”
“等等，”那位顾客咆哮一声，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”
“当然，”经理说道：“它代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”
First Flight
Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small plane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.
After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"
"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."
第一次坐飞机
约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。
他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。
过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”
“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”
I'll See to the Rest
A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.
"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"
"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.
"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."
其余的事由我负责
一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。
“快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”
“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。
“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”
A Cow or a Horse
A visitor from the city was annoying the farmer with his many questions. He pointed to an animal in the field. "Why doesn't that cow have any horns?" he wanted to know.
"Well," said the farmer. "There are three reasons why a cow may not have horns. Some cows are born without horns. Some cows lose their horns if they are sick. And we cut the horns of some cows to keep them from hurting people. But the reason that that cow there doesn't have any horns is that that cow is a horse."
牛乎，马乎？
一位城里来的游客不停地缠着农夫问这问那。他指着田里的一只动物问道：“那只奶牛为什么没有角？”
“是这么回事，”农夫答道，“母牛没有角有三种可能的原因。其一，有些奶牛生来无角；其二，有些奶牛生病时角就脱落了；其三，我们切掉有些奶牛的角，以防其伤人。但是，那头奶牛没有角的原因是因为它是匹马。？
Not a Crime But a Miracle
David was a young man with a hobby of fishing, but he seldom got a chance to practise it.
Then one summer he decided to have a holiday in the mountains where there were a lot of streams. He thought he could catch many fish there.
The first morning after he arrived, he walked to the nearest stream with his fishing-rod. He saw an old man beside the water, so he asked him whether it was a private stream. The old man answered that it was not, so David then said to him, "Well, then it won't be a crime if I catch some fish here, will it?"
"Oh, no," answered the old man, "it won't be a crime, but it will certainly be a miracle.
不是犯罪而是奇迹
大卫是个喜欢垂钓的年轻人，但他很少有机会练习。
一年夏天，他决定到一个有许多溪流的山区去度假。他想可以在那儿钓到许多鱼。
到达后的第一个早晨，他拿着鱼杆走到最近的一条溪流边。他看见有位老者在水边，就问他这条小溪是不是私人的。老者回答说不是，于是大卫对他说，“那么，我在这儿钓几条鱼不算违法了？”
“哦，是的，”老者回答，“倒是不违法，但毫无疑问那将是个奇迹。”
A Good Solution
A gentleman was sitting quietly in a first-class compartment. Two ladies got in. One of them saw that the window was open and she shut it before sitting down.
"Open it again," said the second lady, "I'll die of suffocation if there is no fresh air."
"I won't open it," said the first lady, "I'll die of cold if the window is open."
A querrel started, and it continued until the gentleman spoke:
"Let's have the window shut until this lady has died of suffocation, and then we can have it open until this lady has died of cold. After that it will be nice and quiet in here again."
解决问题的好办法
一位绅士正静静地坐在头等包厢里，有两位女士走了进来。其中一位见窗户开着，就在落坐之前把窗户给关上了。
“把窗户打开，”第二位女士说道，“如果没有新鲜空气，我会被憋死的。”
“不能打开，”第一位说道，“如果它开着，我会被冻死的。”
一场争吵开始，没完没了，直到那位绅士开口：
“我们先让窗户关着，直到把这位女士憋死，然后再打开窗户，直到把这位女士冻死。那以后，这儿就可以恢复平静了。”
Can't Get Out
This was to be the new blonde flight attendant's first overnight trip, so the Captain was showing her the best place for personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as he was preparing the crew for the day's flight, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing. Since he knew which hotel room she was staying in he called her to find out what had happened.
Crying, she answered the phone and said, "Help, I can't get out of the room!" "What do you mean, you can't get out of the room?" the Captain asked.
"Well I can only find three doors," she sobbed. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet and the other one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
无门可出
新来的金发空姐第一次在旅途中过班。因此，机长告诉她个人吃饭、购物、消遣的最佳地方。第二天早晨，正准备安排白天的航班时，他注意到，那名服务员没来。他知道这个服务员住在哪一个宾馆，因此，他打电话询问到底发生了什么事情。
金发空姐哭泣着回答说：“帮帮我，我找不到出去的门啦！”“什么意思，你找不到出去的门？”机长问。
“是啊，我找到了三扇门，”空姐抽泣者说。“一扇是浴室的门，一扇是橱窗的门，另一扇门上有一个牌子‘请勿打扰’！”
A Complicated Breakfast Order
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.
"Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"
复杂的早餐订单
一天早晨,在豪华酒店的早餐厅里,一位客人叫过领班,带着甜美而愉悦的微笑说,"早晨好,先生.多好的早晨啊!我要二个煮蛋,一个要煮嫩而松软,另一个煮老到咬不动.我还要烤熏网...烤焦的面包,用刀切碎.不能抹开的深冻的黄油;一壶非常淡的咖啡,要不冷不热.
"先生,你的订单真复杂."侍者一脸茫然地说."这可能很难做."
客人回答说:"是吗?我不知道.不过,那是我昨天的早餐."
this alligator isn't wearing any shoes either
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
这只鳄鱼也没穿鞋
一个年轻的金发女郎在路易斯安那州的深处旅行。有些道路很糟糕，因此她想要双真正的鳄鱼皮鞋，可是又不愿付出当地卖主开出的高价。
最后，一店主“恕不还价”的态度使她非常沮丧，于是大声嚷道：“也许我该出去亲自抓一只鳄鱼，这样我就能以合理的价格得到一双鳄鱼鞋。”
店主说：“请便吧，朋友。也许你很走运，会弄到一双大的。”
女郎咬咬牙，转身向沼泽地走去，准备亲手抓只鳄鱼。
当天下午，在开车回家的路上，店主看到一个年轻妇女手提猎枪，站在齐腰的水中，这时，他看到一个巨大的9英尺长的鳄鱼向她快速游去。
她举起手，杀死了鳄鱼，费了很大的力气把它拖到岸边。附近还有另外几只死鳄鱼。
店主惊奇地看着。这时，女郎抽打着鳄鱼的后背，失望地叫喊道：“真该死！这只鳄鱼也没有穿鞋。”
An Old Couple's Quarrel
A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."
"I'm willing," said the other.
"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."
"I'll be there."
"And I'll law the hell!"
"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply
老夫妻吵架
一对性情乖僻的老夫妻发生了争吵，一直闹到地方法官那里。败诉的一方以一种临战的姿态冲着对方嚷道：“我要到巡回法庭去告你。”
“愿意奉陪。”另一个说。
“我要到最高法院去告你。”
“我也陪你。”
“我还要到地狱去告你。”
“我的代理人会奉陪的。”对方平静的说。
I Don't Know Her
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"
还不认识她呢
一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上，动情地接吻。
“你为什么不那么做呢？”妻子说。
“亲爱的，”丈夫回答说，“我还不认识那个女子呢!”