“Do you think only children are spoiled?” I have been asked of this question many times when I travel outside China and I have never been able to convince people that this is not necessarily true. A professor, with whom I discussed this issue, sent me this article written by an expert of pediatrics. The advantages and disadvantages of only children in China as well as anywhere in the world are to some extent similar. (You can put some of the expressions in the article into your own word stock. ) 

Only Children: Finding the Middle Ground between Lonely and Lionized

by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P.
Traditionally, so-called only children have gotten a bad name. Not many years ago it was common for people to assume that an only child was sure to be hopelessly selfish and spoiled. Experts added to the list of only-child woes, claiming that they were apt to be more aggressive, uncooperative, socially inept, less successful in marriage, and so on.

But none of this is necessarily true. Only children often grow up to be happy and well adjusted. In fact, being an only child has some advantages: They spend a lot of time interacting with adults, so they develop strong language skills, which serve them well in school and later in life. They enjoy their parents' undivided attention, and never have to suffer the pain of sibling jealousy. And they often enjoy educational, cultural, and travel opportunities that children from large families might miss out on.

But I do think that only children face some real challenges:

Challenge One: Being too special
Every child is special, but some are too special. Being too special means that a child grows up feeling that she is the only person that matters in the family, and by extension, in the world as a whole. Parents naturally focus a tremendous amount of love and energy on their children, and when there is only one child, the focus can be very intense indeed. Sometimes, too, the events that led up to the child being an "only"--perhaps a long period of infertility, followed by a miraculous pregnancy--also contribute to the parents' conviction that this child must never be allowed to experience sadness or frustration.

Such an indulged child is bound to be spoiled, of course, but also often feels a great deal of pressure to be perfect. When parents watch every move a child makes with eagle eyes, she can easily come to feel that any mistake or shortcoming is the end of the world. This makes for very accomplished, sometimes precocious children, but also for a high degree of perfectionism. When only children succeed in meeting parental expectations they are richly rewarded with praise. An unintended consequence, however, is the fear that one day they might fail, and lose all. In a sense, they become addicted to praise and don't develop the inner resilience naturally ingrained in children who have to battle for family position. Not all only children are "overly special," of course. Many parents balance indulgence with limits, and make a conscious effort to keep the pressure down.

Challenge Two: Learning about peers
Children who grow up with siblings learn a lot about getting along with other people. They learn to tease and to take teasing. They learn how to make coalitions with other children, and how to get out of them when the time comes. They learn how to compete, how to compromise, and how to consider other people's feelings and needs. It's harder for only children to learn these lessons, and they tend to learn them later. Out-of-home child care helps in this regard. An only child who spends several hours a day in the rough-and-tumble world of a child-care center gets plenty of experience dealing with peers.

Challenge Three: Dealing with loneliness
Days can be long for only children, with only their parents to keep them company. Without siblings as built-in playmates, only children depend more on friends for company. Parents can help by reaching out to other families in the community, getting to know the other parents, and in that way making it easier for the children to spend time comfortably in various homes. Only children also often develop interests in activities that they can do alone. They learn to enjoy their own company.

What you can do
It can be tempting to try to give your only child the sun, moon, and stars, but you really won't be doing her any favors. Instead, you might want to take the following suggestions into consideration.
Try to balance your overwhelming (and perfectly normal! ) love for your only child with other interests of your own, so that she is not always at the center of your attention.


Try, as much as you can, to lower the pressure to be perfect. When your child makes mistakes, show her how to learn from them and laugh them off. Let her see you being less than perfect yourself. Make it clear that you love her for who she is, not what she achieves.


Help your child cultivate friends at an early age by connecting with other families in your community. Organize a playgroup or a babysitting cooperative. Become active in your church, synagogue, or mosque. Look, in particular, for other families with only children-there are many out there.


Enjoy your only child without guilt. People, even well-meaning people, can let fall very careless remarks regarding "poor" only children-those old stereotypes die hard. Being an only child is surely different from being one of two or one of twelve, but not necessarily worse. All these arrangements have their advantages and disadvantages. A small family can be a wonderful, nurturing place in which to grow up in. The key is not how your family is configured, but rather the loving and supportive relationships that take place within it.