It is an inevitable and undeniable phenomonen that the whole society is attaching increasing importance to money. The debate over whether possessing a lot of money is a benifit or drawback has long been under debate. As for my part, I do strongly believe that the former prevails over the latter.(51words)

结构点评：总共3句话，最后一句主题句。相对来说还是比较清晰易懂的，只是有些单词的拼写错误，以及一个非常低级的错误the debate over… has long been under debate.这句也太。。。

语言方面：感觉不错，整体水平是可以的，可惜有错误，起评分6分。大家一定要注意一个问题：我教写作也好几年，有个问题很典型——有的学生语言功底真的不错，写出来的句子感觉很好，但是仔细一分析，总有这样或那样的错误，这种文章照样拿不到高分，所以大家平时除了练习写作以外，一定要注重语言的正确性！蓝色部分为比较好的语言，大家可以借鉴一下，下同。

The superiorities of possessing large amounts of money are multifarious. The NO.1 on my priority list（改成at the top the list是不是更顺一点？！） is that money can gurantee（是guarantee） people a more comfort(是comfortable吧) and convinient（是convenient吧） life. Admittedly, in this highly commercialized society, people have to use money as a stepping stone in order to secure substances and pleasant services, such as transport, shalter(是shelter) and even clothing. In addition, since advanced medical service is still an extravangant（是extravagant） commodity, being rich can make this facility available to you so that you won't be vulnerable to certain types of diseases.(88words)

结构分析：此段第1句就表明，要论述possessing large amounts of money的优越性。后面的句子也的确是围绕着它展开的。结构上似乎没有什么问题，词数也比较适中。

语言方面：很明显，错误很多。但是这位作者的弱点是在于单词的拼写，比我以往批的作文有更多的拼写错误！！！句型上反而倒是没什么很严重的错误，很奇怪的一点！

Besides, another merit of earning a lot of money which catches my eyes(我记得应该是catch one’s eye表示吸引某人的注意力吧) is that money can provids（很过分的错误！！！） us with more opportunities to enlarge our mind edification（词本身好像还不错，但是这个动宾搭配我还真不知道！！！） and spiritual aboundance（是abundance）. Firstly, you will have an easier access to the most advanced education in the world with sufficient capital support due to the high tuition of most universities(自己把它翻成中文，前后句意思是不是矛盾啊！！！). On the other hand, you can have a more flexible choice to cultivate some aethetic（是aesthetic吧） hobbies which are usually unaffordable to average families. Furthermore, without worrying about the cost, you can travel whenever and wherever to your heart's content.(96words)

结构点评：这一段似乎和前一段的内容有点相似，只是有细微的不同。这段讲的是earning a lot of money,而前一段是possessing。后面还是一贯的罗列了一些支持性的句子来论证自己的观点。

语言方面：很不好，那么多错误！！！一目了然，不多说了。

   Opponent, however, argue（主谓一致的错误） that possessing lots of money would lead to prevalence of mammonism in the society, that is, unfortunately, egging some peole（是people吧） to bribe, even commit crime. However, as far as I am concerned, what should be condemned is not the money itself, but the people's greed. Therefore, the possible way to alleviate this situation is by educationg people about their conception of possession rather than simply criticizing the money.(71words)

结构点评：其实这一段的词数是最合理的！你要写5段的话，这个词数比较合适，否则写太多了，容易错，时间紧。时间一紧，乱七八糟的错误就都来了！

  To sum up, without indicating that money is an omnipotent device in our life, I personally advocate that having a lot of money is a advantage because it can make our lives better and elegant（打破平行结构，最好改为more elegant）.(35words) （341words）

总评：此文的作者明显的优点在于，文章的结构掌握的很好。但是，我在以前的作文点评中就提过，文章结构是最基本的，每个人都应该做到。所以，单结构好并不意味着一定能拿到高分！语言的正确性永远是我们所要关注的重中之重！！！语言好了，分数高了，语言差了，分数低了。而且先搞定语言的正确性，然后再研究多样性。单多样，没有正确性，肯定是高不了的。

说明：此文为一位英语基础很好的（其他几门都是7分左右），但写作考试中却只得了5分的同学的例文。情况比较典型，所以拿出来分析，供大家参考。