第 22 题

Technology and science have great influence on our lives. But some people think we should also value the work of artists such as musicians, painters and writers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Since it is undeniable that the work of artist is valueable( 应该是 valuable) , even recently it is has been( 估计是笔误，这个错误连小学生也不应该犯啊！！！ ) brought to spotlight, as such （这个短语在这里算什么意思阿？！是不是本来想写 such as ？！笔误也太多了吧！） the musicians, painters and writers are all playing a very important role in rapid society （什么意思？）（整个第 1 句话不通的，明显当中加了句套句： it has been brought to spotlight. 套句不要乱用，这里反而使得整个句子意思很莫名！） . Diverse contributing factors can be identified （难道又是套句？！句子本身还不错，大家学习一下，但是放在这里，前后有关吗？！） . To be frank, I am in high favor of （这个短语本身很好，可惜它是介词短语，后面不能直接加句子的！！！） the status of these artists will not be displaced forever, and among which, I will analysis （这是名词！） it in 3 factors: the social requirement, the individual’s demand, and the human beings progress. （ 83words ）

结构分析： 2+1’模式。最后一句主题句的写法很好。因为已往都只是简单的表达自己的观点，而这里的主题句还简要总结了从3 个方面来论证。 Mark Morgan （有的学生可能知道）就主张这种写法。

语言分析：感觉这位作者是迄今为止，套句用的最多的！！！第 1 段都是套句。但是，套句用也得用得得体。不能起反效果！这位作者套句功底还不够深，需要继续磨练！由于语言错误过多，起评分 5 分。

Firstly, the socials developed （犯这种错误的人最多 5 分，搞不好 4 分。） could not without （看到这个错误，我觉得 4 分差不多了！） the artists’ contribution. although we inevitable that the fundamental factors which advanced the social’s development is （主语是 factors! ） science and technology ,but suppose that if the world have no such these （有一个就够了，去掉 these ） artists ,the metropolis will have no sculptures even though full with skyscrapers everywhere; the street corner will have no interesting advertisement in spite of( 这个是介词短语，后面不能直接加句子的！ ) the boring slogan will be signed here and there. How can we live in a city like this? And in the same time, some cities where （缺主语！严重错误！） have lots of paintings and sculptures are always attractive science places, which can attract many tourists coming( 应该是 to come) . (103words)

语言分析：这种文章，段落结构也不用分析了！它有一个致命的弱点：好高骛远！从作者的语言水平来看，根本不具有写长句的能力，但是此段中充斥着长句！问题是它们都是错误的！虽然看上去我改的不多，不是因为没有错，而是我已经不知道怎么改了！这样的段落连基本意思反而也表达不出来了！典型的过多错误影响考官理解。 4 分的典型例文！

Secondly, the urban life will also could not depart from the artists’ creation. We should remind their work of （用法是正确的，怎么读起来前后不通的？！） the versatility, mental edification, and spiritual abundance （这个三个词同时出现，我已经不是在一篇文章里面看到了，好词好句也不用这么个照抄吧！） . After a busy-work days （这个叫自相矛盾！） , we could enjoy music to relax ourselves （典型的 Chinese English! 就好比把“我们可以用英语和外国人交流”说成“ we may use English to communicate with foreigners ”。乍看之下，没有任何问题，但是英语是个“静态”语言，要学会用介词去表达一个动作！换言之，这两句话分别可以说成 we could relax ourselves by music. 以及 we may communicate with foreigners in English. 这样的表达比较符合英语的习惯。） , （这里应该用句号） in the weekend we will go to the cinema to watch a film （又是 Chinese English, 去电影院不看电影还能干什么？！） with the family or friends, and even we can go to the exhibition center to admire the panting to mold our sentiment. We should remember, all of this are （太自相矛盾了！ this 与 are?! ） the artists bring to us( 这算什么句子？！ ) . (84words)

Finally, the worldwide human beings progresses （这个词一般作不可数名词。另外这个句子是不是应该写成 the progress of …is.. 呢？！） are also inseparable with( 应该是 from 吧 ) the artists’ value. Just imaging （祈使句，请用动词原型！即 imagine ） that if countries only owned( 为什么要用过去时？！ ) advanced technology, the native culture, the tourism, even the languages will not be exchanged （这个词一用，我反而不知道你要说什么！） . For the reason of culture divergence, the oriental and occidental people maybe could not （无语！应该为 may be unable to ） comprehend each other; it will be reflected in the music, literature, and emotion. The artists just like a bridge, to link up the countries cultures, make the distance much more closely （应该是 closer ） . (79words)

To sum up, artistic projects can fulfill human’s spiritual demand, making our lives more beautiful. We should encourage these artists to create more and more positive creations. The government should not only climate encouraging( 这个我到真看不懂了！ ) freedom of thought, imagination, and inquiry but also the material conditions facilitating the release of these creative talents.(52words) (401words)

这篇文章让我改的好辛苦！！！因为虽然我已经改了那么多了，但其实还是有很多东西根本没办法改！

作者写作水平很明显不是很高，但是有一点好，老师上课讲的短语他会尽量往文章里用，但是由于自身的水平有限，因此几乎每句话都有错，所以典型的 4 分作文。

此外，有学生问我，一篇语言错误很多但内容丰富与一篇内容空洞但语言精确的文章，哪篇更高。这个问题很容易回答，语言错误很多，你能保证 examiner( 都是 native speakers) 能理解你的意思吗？！换言之，语言错误过多，可能你想表达的意思到了 examiner 眼里成了别的意思或者根本看不懂！总而言之，语言是最重要的，内容只要不偏题且合理即可！