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俞鑫,华东理工大学英语学士,华东政法大学法律硕士
新东方雅思阅读、写作、语法、新概念三主讲,
从事英语教学多年,传说中的英语狂人
首创10篇作文搞定雅思写作
授课深入浅出,强调举一反三,对雅思等英语考试有天生的研究冲动和热情
专家学术底蕴深厚,长期沉浸在英语研究的虚拟世界中,由于性格单纯善良,故有了牛牛的雅号。精通英语和法律两门学科,大学期间一直担任英语主持人,参加英语辩论大赛,因此有着极强的英语交流能力

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1. re: 我的QQ群
牛犊是什么意思?? (范忆秋)
2. re: 上课的心酸!!!
呵呵~又有不满的啦~!我看你再下去要得忧郁症了~ (范忆秋)
3. re: 我的QQ群今天大规模清理!!!
@俞鑫 恩~good luck! (范忆秋)
4. re: 上课的心酸!!!
付出的多,回馈的结果却不尽人意; 你把某件事看得淡了,还是要一个底线来束缚自己...或许牛牛老师, 沉淀下思绪, 整理下心情, 可能会发现心的出口... 你是否真的放下了某些东西,还是留恋犹豫着呢? ... (Xiaoying)
5. re: 上课的心酸!!!
暑假上了你的课,感觉没那么坏,有时候还是应该自信的,下个要考了,心里好紧张啊。 (blade)
6. re: 我的QQ群今天大规模清理!!!
Alway support you. (Crisy)
7. re: 上课的心酸!!!
嘿嘿~篇幅问题...~ 恩..~ (爱擦黑板的小孩儿~)
8. re: 上课的心酸!!!
鼓掌~~~!!! --引用-------------------------------------------------- uranus: 这么多年都挺过来了, 有我们牛群顶你, 还是那句话 ... (警觉)
9. re: 上课的心酸!!!
--引用-------------------------------------------------- ym: 暑假在新东方上的你的课,其实感觉你真的不错~~是那种还有着学生气的老师 君子之... (ruru)
10. re: 上课的心酸!!!
暑假在新东方上的你的课,其实感觉你真的不错~~是那种还有着学生气的老师 君子之心,犹如青天白日,只与道同之人若合一契 不要在意那些无足轻重的 恩,25号要考试了,现在蛮紧张的,据说今天考的阅读很难... (ym)

阅读排行榜

评论排行榜

中国人写的雅思作文有结构但语言不够地道;native speaker写的文章够地道,但不够雅思!因此,市面上总找不到“完美”的雅思例文。

此次,我特别邀请我的美国朋友(同样研究和教授雅思)“按照我的要求”写了一些文章,这里逐一贴出来,让大家分享一下,呵呵。。。

Children who grow up in families which are short of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children who are brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 

Some feel that the children of low income families are better equipped to deal with difficulties posed by the ‘real world’ when they grow up and they also believe the privileged children of wealthy families are less fit to deal with these difficulties .  The implications and veracity of this argument seem self-evident, but in fact require closer examination. 58words

 

点评: 1+ 1 模式最后 1 句为主题句。此段的主题句稍微有点特殊,它的确否定了前面所提到的观点,从而表达出了自己的观点,此外还引出了下文。特别是最后半句: but in fact require closer examination ,感觉是在抛砖引玉。

 

  The popular wisdom is that children of poorer families learn early on the value of a buck, and are thus naturally better suited to stretching moneywhen times get tough in adulthood.  Inversely, the children of wealthy families, thoseborn with a silver spoon in their mouths, are believed to be completely ignorant of the value of money, having had everything provided for them in their youth and oftentimes erroneously expecting the same situation in adulthood.  They are believed to be prone to overspending and financial irresponsibility.  This belief, though logical, overlooks one key point which is , of course, education. 100words

 

点评: 1 +3 模式,第 1 句是主题句。请注意,从此段的内容来看,这是个让步段(即分析自己并不赞成的观点)。虽然 4 段论的作文的主体段是两面讨论,但是本人还是喜欢这样的写作,即主体段的观点还是有侧重的,把让步段放在前面,最后 1 句话引出下一段,这样过度地很自然,而且自己的观点也比较明确!

 

  The basis of this argument is , of course, knowing the value of money, and the idea that children of the poor know this, and those of the wealthy do not .  Who though, is in a better position to teach their children the value of money; someone skilled in earning and keeping it, the wealthy parent, or someone who can not seem to acquire it, the poor parent?  Both wealthy and poor children are equally likely to acquire an education in money, whether it is formal, or in the school of hard knocks.  Conversely, both children are as likely to ignore this education. 101words

 

点评:这段的内容感觉写得不够直接,还是在分析对方观点的漏洞!请注意,前面让步段已经这么写过了,那么这一段最好是正面地论证自己的观点,这样从内容上来说更 convincing 一点!此外,需要说明的是,大家发现作者的内容还是有一定深度,但是这是要有一定的英语功底才行的!如果英语功底不行的话,建议内容不要写太深,因为那样容易造成考官看不懂你在说什么!

 

  A poor child may believe that one can get along, if not as easily, without wealth. A wealthy child may be well trained by a parent steeped in the knowledge of money management; the key to developing this skill is education.

 

点评:最后一段有点像是提出解决这个问题的办法,即 education. 它没有像传统的结尾段那样简单的重申自己的观点。

 

总结之总结:

全文的观点有待揣摩,作者很明显是不赞成题目的说法,即 Children who grow up in families which are short of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children who are brought up by wealthy parents. 但是作者自己是更偏向穷人家的孩子呢,还是富人家的孩子呢?!根据文章来看,作者是中立,他所看重的是他们所接受的教育。In other words,整篇文章又是一次中立的写法。在雅思考试中,这种写法经常使用,还是非常实用的,大家可以学习一下。此外,文章中有很多好词好句,特别是长句,值得模仿一下。

 

此文9分。

 

posted on 2007-06-24 14:42 俞鑫 阅读(2292) 评论(14)  编辑  收藏 所属分类: 雅思写作

FeedBack:
2007-06-24 15:22 | 起Grace
沙发,看前先踩
  回复  引用    
2007-06-24 15:40 | Michael learns to rock
好段子啊,高手啊,严重打击啊!!!
  回复  引用    
2007-06-24 17:50 | in my view
The older we are,the more problems raise up.some people argue that the ablity to tackle these probs are closely related to their family backgroud, while others insist that their character determine how they confront adversity when grown up.how one copes with probs,in my view,is invovled with many factors.

First of all,different life attitude lead to different outcome when one confronts prob of adult life.the one who is optimistic would possibly take courage to face up the reality and take some measures to do with,while negtive ones may feel lost and under the control of the problems.milions of optimisitic people have a same beautiful things---hope,but different negtive people have their various tragic life.

What's more,people who is individual often better deal with problems than those who is dependentive.as we known,some parents use inappropriate method to tutor their child such as do everything for them which makes their children lose their own ablities to do with that.it is hard for those overdependent with others to well cope with probs of adult life.

To some extent,the family background also effect how one deal with probs.those fortunate children who are born with sliver boon in their mouth live in a better enviroment that they are used to enjoying their life without any trouble,even some of them are spoiled.they are naive as well superior to others in some terms,but fregile and not sophitcated enough.

In a nutshell,the ablity to solve probs is attribute to one's life attitude,family capital as well the suroudings.so parents should apply effive method to tutor their children.in doing so,children will be strong enough to confront any adversity when grown up.
  回复  引用    
2007-06-24 17:59 | in my view
根据题目自己写了一篇.一看发现自己有很多语法错误,写得也很"中国".再对比范文,很多措辞和观点非常精彩,可以模仿,记下了~
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2007-06-24 18:27 | in my view
The older we are,the more problems raise up.some people argue that a person's ablity to tackle probs are closely related to how wealthy their family are in their childhood. However,how well one copes with difficlties when he grows up,in my view,is invovled with many factors.

First of all,different life attitude lead to different outcomes when one confronts probs posed by the "real world".The one who is optimistic would possibly takes courage to face up the reality and take some measures to do with,while negtive one may feels lost and is under the control of the problems.milions of optimisitic people all have a same wonderful life which is full of hope,but different negtive people have their various tragic life.

What's more,people who is individual often better deal with problems than those who is dependentive.as we known,some parents use inappropriate method to tutor their child such as do everything for them which makes their children lose their own ablities to do with that.it is inevitably hard for them who are overdependent to others well cope with probs of adult life.

To some extent,the family background also effects the chidren's ability of dealing with probs in the future.Those children who are born with sliver spoon in their mouth live in a better enviroment that they are used to enjoying their life without any trouble.So they are naive as well superior to others in some terms,but fragile and not sophitcated enough.

In a nutshell,the ablity to solve probs is attribute to many aspects,such as one's life attitude,family wealth as well the family education.so parents should apply effive methods to tutor their children.in doing so,children will be strong enough to confront any adversities when grow up.

稍微改了一下,牛牛能帮我再看看修改修改吧
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#6楼 [楼主]
2007-06-24 18:34 | yuxin
上次申明了,现在不改作文了,呵呵。。。

不过瞄了一眼,错误真的很多,也就5-6分左右的水平吧
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2007-06-24 19:18 | mickiller
我觉得这样写中立好是好,就是太危险了...万一一个不小心...考官心情不好...不想仔细看作文...那不是就成了论点不清了么...那别说9分了...倒过来也不一定拿得到了...-.-
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#8楼 [楼主]
2007-06-24 19:23 | yuxin
不会的,主要看的是语言,语言好,什么都好,然后是你的论点、论据。

只要你文章真的写的好,不可能低的!!!
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2007-06-24 19:31 | 起Grace
我觉得。。。论点论据好是拿6分以上的
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2007-06-24 21:41 | mickiller
真的么?不过话说回来...毕竟大部分人的语言都不是好成那样的...我还是努力把话说清楚先...
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#11楼 [楼主]
2007-06-25 00:04 | 俞鑫
一下为jumbie同学的流言:

总结下在凯恩学雅思的一个礼拜的情况(还是怀念你们新东方啊!)
NB:在凯恩学习都是小班最多不超过15个人!一共3个老师。。。两个中国人一个外教(中国人教听力阅读写作)
先讲讲写作吧~马马乎乎凑合了。。。上课她就是讲一些每年要考的类型。。。然后再让你根据不同的考题一句句写(现在写的都是TASK1的类型)而且基本上没有很复杂的语法!
接着就是那个教听力和阅读的老师了(问题最大的就是她了)首先口语不好(读音不纯正,一听就是北方人)不去说她。第1节课她居然和我们说~IELTS的阅读有3篇但只有1个小时就是20分钟一篇所以量是非常大的。。。所以你们要扩充词汇量啊!必须要有4级的词汇量。。。最好再买本IELTS的分类字典掌握一些专业词汇!我狂晕啊!居然还用人听她的。。。就算一让个BRITISH来做估计也有困难。。。她应该教给我们怎么更准确的定位。。。划关键词(这点NANA老师就做的比较好了,管它题目,内容有多复杂。。。3两下就解决了)
口语老师是个BRITISH。。。。就他的课还稍微轻松点有点乐趣。。。到处然我们换座位~在他的帮助下我们大家终于认识了!其他课的老师根本不会像新东方老师那样上课适当的来个JOKING。。。她们就会上课休息下课
当然也不能一棍子打死他们,他们机构还是有优点的吗!优点就是外教多——上课了一个礼拜也认识完全部的外教。听说下礼拜还要来个。说实话他们就靠外教呈台面的。。。有的时候在电梯里碰到个老外就基本上就是他们的老师,虽然教的科目不同但他们有时候会主动和你搭讪(里面几个外国女老师还是蛮漂亮的,男的也蛮帅的)
PS:课程还是蛮贵的4420一个月,1~5上课 1天8小时每天回家还有作业。出勤率在95%以上给保分(其实就是让你提高0。5分。比如说你进来做测试的话是5分。。。他们给你保到5。5分)这么点分保和不保有什么区别啊!还有这里还有1个多,外地人多都是江苏浙江的。。。他们的父母为了让孩子出国煞费苦心(外地基本上没专业的IELTS课程)他们送孩子过来。。。平时还住HOTEL。。。感叹现在的父母啊!对了忘了说了。。。这里报好名服了钱如果在退的话要-50%所以这才是我坚持的原因啊。。。要不然~呵呵~就继续在新东方读下去了。。。不用在这里受苦了!

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2007-07-04 22:20 | nini
发表一下我的浅见

好的老师都说过了

但是,我认为此文不够“学术”
例如:
The basis of this argument is , of course, knowing the value of money
这里的of course,太口语化了
the poor parent?
问句也可以出现在作文中吗?质疑

还有个问题,一般来说,中国学生很少有如此水平,如果像他这样保持中立,好像很容易偏题的。

除此之外,如何使“语言地道”,如何判断是“地道语言”(因为有些看似是地道的语言,却不正式),我们如何来筛选呢
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#13楼 [楼主]
2007-07-04 23:10 | 俞鑫
to nini,

首先,你能把文章看得那么仔细,我觉得很好,通过认真分析,你会学到的更多,但是关于你的观点,我无法苟同!

1。“The basis of this argument is , of course, knowing the value of money
这里的of course,太口语化了”

很明显,of course这里是个插入语,老外写文章,非常喜欢插入语,这符合老外表达的习惯,很地道。这句话虽然口语里面也用过,但是绝对不能因此觉得他太口语化了,这个是没道理的。

2。问句可不可以用在作文里。这个问题毋庸置疑!当然可以!!!特别是设问句,自问自答,能够达到不错的效果。

3。这篇文章已经太学术了,一般雅思文章是不需要分析地那么深入的!

4。关于语言的地道性,就是看符不符合老外的表达习惯。比如:中文说“他能吃能睡”,你可以用英语说成“He can eat and sleep well”.但是,老外可能跟喜欢说“He is a good eater and a good sleeper”。语言地道性不是三言两语能够说清的。

最后,写作有多种写法,这里只不过举了个中立的写法,并不是说只能这样写。至于偏题问题,上课写作老师应该有提过作文的结构安排,我就不多赘述了
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2007-07-05 00:09 | nini
看来我要学的还有好多好多阿,谢谢老师的指点
说实话,我还是有点困惑。。。。。。哈哈,让我再研究研究
我想真正的提高自己的写作能力,除了多看国外的报刊杂志,多练习
老师可不可以为我推荐一些好方法呢?
谢谢
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